The Good Big Ben will show up: If you don’t follow the Steelers closely, you should know that there’s Good Big Ben, and there’s Evil Big Ben. Evil Big Ben throws late over the middle into triple coverage while 350 pound yinzers in Blawnox simultaneously choke on whole pierogies and have heart attacks. Good Big Ben makes smart decisions, has an uncanny ability to sense pressure, and hits receivers in stride 35 yards downfield while big-haired chicks from Crafton-Ingram jump happily and spill out of their pink ladies’ cut Hines Ward Starter jerseys. Here are typical box scores comparing the two:
Good Big Ben: 12 for 14, 184 yards, 3 TDPlease, Santa, all I want for the Super Bowl is the Good Big Ben. The lives of obese Pittsburghers depend on it. (I’ll admit this is more of a hope than a reason that the Steelers will prevail).
Evil Big Ben: 21 for 46, 326 yards, 2 TD, 4 INT
Steelers strong safety Troy Polamalu will do Troy Polamalu things: One of these days, he’s going to intercept a pass by spontaneously growing wings and flying towards the ball. We can only hope that Gus Johnson is calling the game in which this happens.
The NFL has finally agreed to the Harrison rule: A recent (and unprecedented) midseason rules change now makes it easier for the officiating crew to identify when James Harrison is being held. Here’s the rule: “If James Harrison is not being double- or triple-teamed and he fails to record a sack on a passing play, then offensive holding must be called. It is the only possible explanation for such a sequence of events.”
Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau has two weeks to gameplan: By the time the beginning of February rolls around, the good Mr. LeBeau will have devised three dozen new blitz schemes with names that sound like 80’s hair bands or Star Wars bounty hunters. How good is he? The man is such a master of defensive schemes that there are people in the Steelers organization who still believe that he can turn Anthony Smith into a reliable NFL safety. (If you’re not familiar with Anthony Smith’s body of work, just know that believing in his defensive ability in his 3rd pro season is akin to believing in Santa Claus at the age of 37.)
The Steelers are the more tested team: Of the Cardinals 9 regular season wins, 6 of them came against the 49ers (7-9), the Seaturkeys (4-12), and the Rams (2-14). Their remaining three wins came against the Cowboys, the Bills, and a week 2 win over the Dolphins. Among these teams, only the Dolphins qualified for the playoffs. (Even this is something of a ruse, as the Cardinals caught the Dolphins during a lousy 2-4 start. Miami didn’t play good football until the end of October.) The Cardinals’ regular season losses came to the Redskins, Jets, Panthers, Giants, Eagles, Vikings, and Patriots. Of these, only the Patriots (an 11 win team), the Jets (9 wins), and the Skins failed to qualify for the postseason. Four of the Cards losses were by double digits (margins of defeat: 21, 28, 21, and 40 points). Give the Cards this much: they beat the teams they’re supposed to beat. But when they’re supposed to lose, they have a tendency to get beaten like red-headed stepchildren.
Meanwhile, the Steelers’ only losses came to the Eagles, Giants, the Colts, and the Titans, all playoff qualifiers. Of these losses, only the thrashing at the hands of Tennessee was a double digit defeat. In the regular season, they beat playoff qualifiers San Diego, Baltimore (twice), and thumped an 11 win Patriots team. In the postseason, they throttled the Chargers and beat the Ravens for the third time this season. As with financial assets, past performance is not a guarantee of future results. And, these postseason Cardinals don’t much resemble the team that got spanked in New England on Thanksgiving night. Still, I’ll take the Steelers on this one. They keep games close. They win close games. And, they’ve done it all year. You can’t say the same for the Cardinals.
Yeah, but look at who the Cards have beaten recently, ie the playoffs. Atlanta, Carolina, and Philadelphia aren't pushovers, and more recent action should count more. I'm rooting for the Steelers, and I think they'll win, but it's beginning to feel like one of those underdog stories that's too good not to actually happen (like the Giants last year).
ReplyDeleteMy question is, does anyone on the cards have a sandwich named after him? A sandwich so big it doesn't fit in your mouth and so tasty it's like a culinary orgasm? I didn't think so.
ReplyDeleteHow about 2 reason the Steelers won XL:
ReplyDelete1. Jeramey Stevens is an asshole with no hands.
2. The officials gave it to them.
Big Ben is awesome.
ReplyDeletehooray for the steelers - way to go sixburgh!
ReplyDeletejoe, hopefully you see comments on prior posts because as i was reading this article in the wsj today, i couldn't help but think of you. you haven't resorted to the general hospital forum yet, have you?
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123362401231641879.html