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Purchasing insurance policies is never fun. Never. First, you're spending money on a product that you hope you will never use. Second, you're generally forced to consider unpleasant circumstances that might befall you: car accidents, property damage, lawsuits, property theft, identity theft, serious illness, death, or some combination of the preceding. Third, during the interview, you're often asked a series of ridiculous questions. While the answers to these questions are necessary to accurately calculate a premium, they're often difficult to answer accurately. For instance, while researching renter's insurance policies recently, I was asked to estimate the percentage of my housing that was brick. Sadly, there was no check box with the option, "What percentage of your brain thinks I have any f***ing clue?"
During this same interview, I was asked for the distance to the nearest fire hydrant. The words "fire hydrant" had a link, and I hoped that if I clicked the link, I would be offered some guidance on what to do in the event that I did not know the location of the nearest hydrant. Instead, this is what I was offered:
Rather than showing this picture with the accompanying explanatory information, might I suggest that the insurance company provide the following recommendation:
If you do not know what a fire hydrant is, you should not be buying renter's insurance. In fact, you should not be using this computer. Please sit in a room by yourself until you expire.
"can be any color." That's the part that really killed me.
As long-time baseball fans know, it’s customary to assess the state of one’s team after it has played 29 games. Don’t read that first sentence again. It won’t make any additional sense the second time. After a 12-17 start, it’s as good a time as any to take stock of your 2009 Pittsburgh Pirates. Since I’m lazy and I need a gimmick to get me through this post, I’m going to break things down according to what’s gone right and what’s gone oh-so-wrong.
GONE RIGHT: The Pirates began the season 11-7. Fueled by solid starting pitching, the Bucs started the season respectably. For a time, the Pirates pitching staff led the league in ERA and quality starts. No, seriously.
GONE WRONG: The Bucs have gone 1-10 after their 11-7 start. Given the aura of loserdom that clings to the organization, it’s all too easy to say, “here we go again” when the Pirates drop 43 games in a row or fail to record a hit in 97 consecutive innings. Pirates skipper John Russell thinks this is unfair (as reported here)
Teams go through it. We’re not the only team that struggles to score runs. Everybody does it. You go through a stretch. Unfortunately, the Pirates, it gets magnified more because of all the streaks they talk about and stuff like that.
To which my father retorted, “But when do you guys follow a 1-10 stretch with a 9 game winning streak?” Mr. Russell didn’t have an answer for this, though in his defense, he was on television and likely did not hear my dad’s question.
GONE RIGHT: The Zach Duke resurgence: When Duke burst onto the scene in late 2005, he appeared to be the staff ace that the Pirates lacked since the days of Doug Drabek. In 14 starts, he posted an 8-2 record, with a 1.81 ERA. Naturally, the following spring training, then pitching coach Jim Colborn decided to overhaul Duke’s mechanics. Because success simply will not be tolerated in these here parts.
In the 2006-2008 seasons, Duke posted a collective 18-37 record while the Pirates went through pitching coaches the way a bored puppy plows through shoes. The 2009 season marked the arrival of pitching coach Joe Kerrigan, father of America’s ice-skating sweetheart, Nancy Kerrigan. Actually, I made up that last part (the father part, that is. I stand by the sweetheart remark. Boy, I can already see the vitriolic comments from Michelle Kwan fans.) I don’t really care if Zach’s resurgence is tied to the arrival of Joe Kerrigan; I’m just happy that Duke appears to be on the right path once more. Though he only has a 3-3 record, the other numbers look good so far: 1.17 WHIP, 2.79 ERA.
(Before moving on, I’d like to mention that one of the few perks of being a Pirates fan is the opportunity to conduct the following search in google: “zach duke colborn tinker mechanics.”)
GONE WRONG: The Ryan Doumit injury: Though it’s tempting, I won’t crow that I predicted this in my Pirates season preview. Because foretelling that Doumit will be injured is like predicting that Minka Kelly will not publicly declare her love for me. They’re both pretty safe bets. While we’re here, I would wager that a handful of toddlers in the Pittsburgh area can claim the following as their first complete sentence, “The Pirates retroactively placed Ryan Doumit on the 15-day DL earlier today.” Hey, the little people learn by hearing the same thing over and over and over…
GONE RIGHT: Nyjer Morgan has been competent: Maybe “competent” is too slight praise. He’s been solid. I’d still prefer to have Jason Bay patrolling left (he’s posting some big numbers for the Sox this year),
but Nyjer has been a pleasant surprise. He’s posted a .308 average, notched 8 steals (though he’s been caught 4 times), and has 13 RBIs hitting primarily out of the leadoff spot. Not bad for someone once referred to as “poo poo platter” in my household.
GONE WRONG: The Brandon Moss experience: The new poo poo platter? .185 AVG, 0 HR, 3 RBI in 81 at bats. I hate to do this to Brandon and to Pirates fans, but if you prorate Derek Bell’s stats from his legendary 2001 season, here’s what they look like over 81 at bats: .173 AVG, 3 HR, 7 RBI. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a nightmare tonight in which Derek Bell luxuriously strokes a cat in a large leather chair while telling a quaking Brandon Moss, “You and I. . . we are not so different.”
So, what does that 12-17 record equate to over 162 games? A 67-95 record. If that sounds familiar, it’s because the Pirates have gone 67-95, 68-94, and 67-95 in the last three years. And, so my question to you is this: have you ever seen another machine that runs so very consistently and yet is so very broken?
