Dear Dirty Dergs,

In what amounts to the slowest seduction in the history of mankind, I have been building rapport with a guy I see at a weekly entertainment gathering featuring one of our many shared interests. (No, gerbils are not involved.) Things were going splendidly until last night. We simultaneously reached for the same drink coaster, and I couldn't help but notice that his fingernail was kind of long. That seriously grossed me out. I didn't get a good look at his whole hand, so I don't know if it was just that one nail or all of them, or if this is the norm for him or just a chance oversight on that particular night. So I started thinking about it, and my question is - does it make me an awful person to be put off by a long fingernail? Or am I justified in my mild disgust, since long fingernails are likely indicative of lax personal grooming habits in general?

- Don't touch me with those

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Dear Don't touch me with those,

I like this question for two reasons. First, it's going to permit me to make a joke involving dead skunks and cabbage. Second, it touches on a basic difference in the way that boys and girls are socialized. From a young age, women are force-fed the bullshit notion that they will be blessed with a perfect mate in their adult lives. Prince Charming, Ken (of Ken & Barbie fame), and Lindsay Lohan's dad reinforce the archetype of the Dreamboat Male. Men who fail to achieve perfection in their personal lives, and more importantly, in their wooing of a particular woman, should be discarded immediately. Seriously, God was obviously hungover when he let that one slip through Quality Control. Boys, on the other hand, are not indoctrinated to hold such lofty ideals. We hear sitcom dads lament, "Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." We're told that all women are crazy. We're told other things that can only be described as misogynistic. The result of all of this is that the archetype of the Perfect Woman doesn't exist. (Not for males in American culture, anyway. Women are still slapped around with the archetype of the Perfect Woman, but that's a story for a different post). And, while most reasonably intelligent people learn to dismiss the conventional wisdom about the opposite sex, I think women suffer a worse hangover from the Prince Charming Myth. The idea of a perfectly tuned mate, companion, and lover is, after all, a rather compelling idea, and one not easily parted with.

Which brings us back to Captain Fingernails. If long fingernails are this guy's biggest red flag, well... nail clippers make a great stocking stuffer. Perhaps more to the point, if you haven't noticed his long fingernails before, then it's entirely possible that he doesn't often sport long fingernails. Additionally, lax grooming habits tend to manifest themselves in other rather obvious ways. For example, smelling like the fart of a lion who just ate 6 cabbage-stuffed dead skunks might indicate that your would-be dreamboat doesn't bathe as frequently as perhaps he should. Or maybe he has a pound-and-a-half of partially chewed Tootsie Rolls stuck to his teeth. If you haven't noticed these things (though I don't claim I've provided you with an exhaustive list), then perhaps his personal grooming habits do generally meet your standards. In any case, if you've enjoyed this person's company for several months, I recommend that you give the bloke another shot. If his nails are too long for your taste the next couple times you see him, then you have a choice. You can either toss him back into the pond, or you can try to alter the behavior you find troubling. (Agree to flash him every time you see him with recently clipped nails, for instance.) Sure, it's not as much fun as a perfectly-groomed Prince Charming arriving on your doorstep. But, it beats the obvious alternative (making out with an 8" x 10" glossy of Lindsay Lohan's dad).

-Joe

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Dear Don't touch me with those,

I’m picky as hell. All manner of things put me off when I’m around women. For instance, I absolutely hate the disgusting taste and odor of any kind of coffee or tea. If I smell this on a woman’s breath, it’s about as off-putting as the thought of Willie Colon in a pink tutu. And don’t get me started on women’s pants that have those super-high waistlines. The pants themselves might be fine if women didn’t feel the need to tuck shirts into them to show off the fact that their waistlines are halfway up their abdomens. Why would a woman want to look like Cameron Diaz as that ho Christina Pagniacci in Any Given Sunday? And finally, I have to say that, yes, long fingernails put me off too, even clean ones. They’re just so impractical. I’m all for giving props to fashion, but seriously, those things just get in the way of everything: typing, cooking, even reaching into one’s pockets. Who has time to fuss with that?

But though all of these things (and many others) put me off, but I try to stop short of judging the woman in her entirety because of this kind of stuff. I mean, I don’t want to turn into Elaine from Seinfeld. If a woman drinks coffee or tea, she might still be worthwhile. If she wears high-pants, maybe she just couldn’t find any others that fit, or maybe they didn’t look as high in the fitting room mirror. If she has long fingernails, maybe her friend made her get some kind of makeover, she had them put on, and she’s planning to take them off as soon as she can. For all I know, this girl went on a date last night with Chris Kemoeatu and he forced her to put them on.

What I’m saying, Don’t touch me with those, is that I think you should give yourself the chance to get to know this guy better instead of letting this one (admittedly disgusting) thing sour what might otherwise be a pleasant seduction.

-Brian