5 Reasons the Steelers will lose Super Bowl XLIII

Like it or not, your average Steelers fan should admit that the upcoming tilt against the Cardinals is going to be a little tougher than most suspect. Here are five reasons the Cardinals will notch a W on February 1st:

1. The Ike Taylor - Larry Fitzgerald matchup: If you’re a Steelers fan, this one’s going to be more uncomfortable to watch than the Biden-Palin VP debate in which the Republican party’s new flagship did everything short of pretending to not understand English in an effort to avoid directly answering a question. The only hope is that Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau comes up with some really crafty solution to the Fitzgerald problem, like a defensive pygmy. You know, little dude pops up from the sideline, blows a tranquilizer dart into Larry Fitzgerald’s neck, and then hides in Casey Hampton’s rear end for the rest of the game. Because if there’s one thing of which we can all be certain, it’s that no one on the officiating crew will have the stones to conduct a full cavity search on Casey Hampton.
2. The Ken Whisenhunt - Russ Grimm brain trust: If the names Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm sound familiar to Pittsburghers, its because they were integral parts of the Steelers coaching ranks for a number of years. Whisenhunt spent 3 seasons as the tight ends coach and another 3 as the offensive coordinator. His ascension to offensive coordinator coincided with the arrival of Big Ben, and he’s generally credited with helping develop the franchise QB. Russ Grimm also spent 6 seasons with the Black and Gold, holding the titles of Offensive Line Coach (all 6 years) and Assistant Head Coach (for the last 3 years he was with the team). They know the Steelers personnel very well. They tangled with the vaunted Steelers D on a daily basis and had the joy of dealing with Dick LeBeau’s weekly schematic mind f**ks. Yes, I know, the Steelers system and personnel have evolved somewhat, but I think it’s folly to conclude that the Cardinals coaching staff doesn’t enjoy at least a small tactical advantage in the upcoming game. And, oh yes, both Whisenhunt and Grimm were passed over for the Steelers head coaching position when Bill Cowher “retired.” Methinks they remember that sequence of events.
3. Will Big Ben drink like a champion again? Some pictures are worth a thousand words. Others make you want to vomit your chipped ham sandwich. I know, these pictures are now 3 years old, and yes, I know that Ben was only 23 when they were taken. How mature is your average 23-year-old male, honestly? But, here’s the problem. Big Ben’s only 26 now. How mature is your average 26-year-old male, honestly?
4. The Mitch Berger experience: It blows my mind that one of the most devastating injuries of the year for the Steelers was the loss of punter Daniel Sepulveda. He’s been “replaced” at various times this season by Paul Ernster and Mitch Berger. Mr. Berger is the current punter, and unfortunately, I can’t print the nickname my brother and I have assigned to him. I can tell you that it involves a penis joke and is intended to be derogatory. Mitch, though he would probably be one of the better punters in your average Turkey Bowl, is not a very good punter by NFL standards. Mark my words: the man will shank at least one punt in the Super Bowl.
5. Santonio Holmes is due for another arrest: What? Someone had to say it.

Now, before all the Steelers fans elect to use the comments section to recommend unsavory and/or physically impossible activities that I should perform on myself or my mother, please know that tomorrow I will offer 5 competing reasons why your beloved Stillers will prevail in Super Bowl XLIII.