State of the Union

6:50 PM me: Are you tuned in already?

5 minutes

6:56 PM Joe: I'm here. Got the old boob tube fired up, a tall glass of water by my side, and I'm ready to hear about cock gobblers in the military and what Obama's gonna do about it.

me: Indeed. About now, I'm wishing that my glass of wine were a bit taller.

6:57 PM It's a nice cab franc. I have to be at least halfway onto the wagon if I'm going to watch anything having to do with American politics for more than a few minutes.

6:59 PM Joe: Probably not a bad plan. Unfortunately, I worked out earlier tonight, so my desire for alcohol is nil. Also, my desire to continue watching this piece of shit ABC sitcom is zero.

7:00 PM me: Pice of shit ABC sitcom? I'm watching CNN, and they're showing everyone walking in, being introduced, etc. Michelle Obama is wearing a purple dress with a rather poofy lower half.

Joe: Dammit. I always miss the good stuff.

me: Not only is it poofy, it's rather shiny too. I'm drawn to it like a pigeon.

7:01 PM Joe: Actually, I'm tempted to watch this on Fox News, just to see if Bill O'Reilly's head finally explodes.

7:02 PM me: The Guardian says that purple is the colour [sic] of Suffragettes.

I bet they won't be dropping that kind of knowledge on Fox News.

7:04 PM Joe: No. Actually, they're currently talking about the "Christmas Day bomber" and all of the "discrepancies" in the information coming from the White House regarding this case and the horror that the bomber was read Miranda rights. Also, you should know that there is strong bipartisan support to pull the funding for prosecution of terror suspects in New York. And, of course, they're talking about Scott Brown's win in Massachusetts, and how Obama will need to address that issue tonight.

7:05 PM Had to switch back to CNN. I felt like I was becoming noticeably dumber by the moment.

7:06 PM me: I don't blame you. The disturbing part to me is that some people actually think it's "news" over there.

7:07 PM Joe: One thing I will give Fox News, though, they have a much better audio feed from the floor. Of course, given all of the audio problems presented by the incessant yelling on their shows.... Oh, Christ, it's Sarah Palin.

7:08 PM me: You betcha.

Joe: She just used three words in the same sentence that have more than three syllables. She's very-much-reading-from-a-tele-prompter-however-so-don't-put-too-much-stock-in-it.

7:11 PM Ladies and gents, Nanci Pelosi. Also, I want to know about Biden's teeth-whitening strategies. They're working.

7:13 PM I think Nanci Pelosi needs some eye drops. Her contacts are clearly bothering her. And now her eyes are bothering me.

7:14 PM me: Personally, I'm entranced by Joe Biden's apparent fascination with the back of Obama's head.

7:15 PM Joe: Maybe he's a brain-eating zombie. He sees that big old presidential melon in front of him and longs to dig into the fleshy... uh... nevermind.

7:16 PM I will say that Joe Biden is at his best when he's nodding. Talking's sometimes a problem, as we all know.

me: That assessment could also be applied to Sarah Palin.

7:17 PM Wow...Biden's teeth really are white, aren't they?

Joe: I thought Sarah Palin was at her best when she was on Runner's World photo shoots.

me: Don't forget the bikini contests.

Joe: You're damn right Biden's teeth are white. He probably needs to get clearance from the FAA before he smiles, lest he blind a pilot at 37,000 feet

me: Or is she at her best when she's shooting wolves from a helicopter?

7:19 PM Joe: God, you forget about all of this stuff so easily. When I think of Palin now, all I can hear is Tina Fey saying, "And, I can see Russia from my house."

7:20 PM Piling on the banks... a pretty safe play right now.

me: We forget about politics because it's all bullshit posturing.

7:21 PM And tax cuts? Who are all of those people? My taxes weren't cut.

7:22 PM Joe: Clearly, Obama does not love you.

He's not like Jebus, you know.

me: Wow...those military guys must REALLY hate Americans being employed when otherwise they'd be jobless.

7:23 PM Alas, he's not. But who is these days?

People have forgotten that sandals were so named for a reason.

7:24 PM Joe: Not to beat a dead horse, but both Fox and Fox News have much better audio feeds than any of the other networks I've tried. It's uncanny.

7:25 PM me: That's because Sarah Palin is sucking Satan's dick right now.

7:26 PM Joe: Wow. That's some inside info. people just can't get on other blogs. You heard it here at Dirty Dergs, folks.

While we're here, how many dongs does Satan have?

me: I bet that guy has had BJs from all manner of beauty queens and small town mayors.

Dongs?

Well, the sky's the limit.

7:27 PM Joe: That's what I'm thinking. Why stop at one if there's no further possible fall from grace?

7:28 PM Do you think your average American knows what capital gains are?

me: Not a chance.

I didn't know what they were until law school.

You have to be wealthy to make money on investments.

7:29 PM So is he saving health care for the very end?

7:30 PM Joe: No, I suspect he's saving "don't ask, don't tell" for the end. And canceling NASA missions for the end. Nobody will still be awake at that point.

7:31 PM me: I can't believe that politicians waste time talking about gay rights. Just give them the damn rights and address real problems.

People who object to gay marriage must have WAY more free time than I do.

7:32 PM I mean, seriously. They're just asking to be treated just like everyone else and people are saying no?

Joe: Real problems? I'll tell you about a real problem, Brian. I'm holed up in Afghanistan, taking heavy fire from some jihad-crazed fools... I've got enough problems on my hands without worrying about Gary the Gay Infantryman trying to have anal sex with me.

7:33 PM Boom.

me: Oh, snap.

7:34 PM Joe Biden IS American politics. Boom.

7:35 PM Joe: On a more serious note, there are far more pressing issues to discuss on a national scale than where people like to stick their privates behind closed doors. Or stick in their privates. Anyhow, you get my point.

Hey, we have a president who says nuke-clear rather than nuke-u-lar. Praise Jebus.

7:37 PM me: I've got something we can export.

Joe: Nice save there after the hissing from the Republican side of the chamber on energy & climate change.

Please, elaborate.

7:39 PM me: I nominate Smokin' to discuss my exporting capabilities.

7:40 PM Joe: Wow. That's a whole blog post by itself. Perhaps a 3 part series.

me: Students excelling in math and science? What is this, communist Russia?

Why push our own students when we can import students from India and China?

7:41 PM Joe: Hey, dude, if you're sitting through a Siberian winter, there ain't much to do beyond solving contour integrals.

And, drink, of course.

7:42 PM me: Maybe we should take the most gifted math and science students in the country each year and ship them up to a special facility on the north slope of the Brooks Range in Alaska.

7:43 PM They could be given vodka AND a statute of Jebus.

Joe: "Last year, I asked Joe Biden to chair a task force on middle class American families. Clearly he took all that money and sunk it into teeth whitening products."

7:44 PM me: It's HILARIOUS that I spend 35% of my take-home income on health insurance.

Everyone in that room can go fuck themselves if they think this is funny.

7:46 PM Joe: Well, I suspect they won't fuck themselves. If they're family values Republicans, they'll probably try to fuck strangers of the same sex at rest stops.

Boom.

me: And in airport bathrooms.

You know, after that whole thing, I had a 3-hour layover in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport.

I went into each men's room in the terminal.

So I've been there, dude.

Joe: Hey, now, that guy was just playing footsies with his stall mate.

7:50 PM Obama rattling off budget numbers and deficits. W? We're looking at you.

7:51 PM me: W is wasted right now.

7:52 PM Joe: He might be choking on a pretzel. He's a pretty versatile guy.

me: Why not both?

7:53 PM Joe: Good point. I do wonder what W preferred during his boozing days. Was he a beer man? A liquor guy? I'm legitimately curious.

me: Even if he sucked as a world leader, he's probably pretty solid as a drinking buddy.

7:54 PM I'm starting to notice audio feed problems on CNN. Maybe I'll switch to Fox News.

7:55 PM Joe: You're gonna love the audio, bro. Love it.

me: Hasn't Satan given Sarah Palin the money shot yet?

7:56 PM Joe: Wow. Lotta threads bouncing around old duder's head, huh? I wonder how many Republicans know the meaning of the term "money shot." How many Democrats? I'm curious.

7:57 PM me: The audio is spectacular on Fox News. WTF?

7:58 PM Joe: I know. It's not even close.

me: I bet John McCain knows the meaning of "money shot."

He has to spend his time doing something.

7:59 PM I'm halfway surprised that Fox News isn't editing what Obama says through some kind of dubbing.

Joe: I would bet that Ruth Bader Ginsburg does not know the meaning of "money shot." God, every time they pan through the Supreme Court justices, I just feel sorry for them.

8:01 PM me: Antonin Scalia is a failure as a human being.

Joe: You, good sir, are taking no prisoners this evening. I like it.

8:02 PM me: Like Ron Jeremy, I shoot to kill.

8:05 PM WOW---those military guys REALLY don't want the troops to come home.

8:08 PM Maybe the money shot from Satan is Joe Biden's teeth whitening secret!

Joe: Are you drunk?

me: Of course not.

8:09 PM Joe: I mean, if you are, that's cool...

me: I don't get drunk. I get even.

8:10 PM Speaking of North Korea, did you know that the currency of Vietnam, another country on the mainland of East Asia, is the dong?

8:11 PM Joe: I wish I had known this fact when I was in middle school. It could have been the foundation of my comic arsenal.

8:12 PM Okay, we're at the hour mark. Seems like Obama's just getting warmed up. This one might go longer than some of Slick Willy's addresses.

8:13 PM me: The Guardian says that this one is supposed to run 70 minutes.

Do you think that Republican leaders will actually meet monthly with Obama?

8:14 PM And if so, do you think that they'll even bother to listen to a word he says or to try to engage with him themselves?

Joe: Yes, and no, respectively.

8:15 PM me: So they'll sit in the room and tweet about the Yankees?

And then brag that they're being bipartisan?

8:16 PM Joe: Perhaps. But, more importantly, is Nancy Pelosi slumping in her chair? And, couldn't they have put a booster seat up there for her... make her look a bit more authoritative?

me: Come on, Joe, that would KILL her hemorrhoids.

8:17 PM Joe: That is an image I did not see coming.

8:18 PM me: I bet Paul Pelosi has "seen it coming."

Joe: Your keyboard is just a bloodbath tonight.

But, again, I like it.

8:19 PM me: It's politics, Joe. I HATE it.

8:20 PM Did you know, incidentally, that Obama is only the second candidate for whom I've voted, for any office, who actually won the election?

The other guy was the guy who wasn't Rick Santorum.

I don't even remember who he was.

8:21 PM Obama was interrupted 86 times for applause?

Joe: Sure, but to be fair, there's much to be said for not being Rick Santorum.

me: Why didn't they mention when he was interrupted for hissing?

8:22 PM Joe: Wow, now Chris Wallace is saying that this speech was strongly influenced by the Scott Brown win. Influenced? Yes. But mildly, I would say.

Okay, it's over to CNN again.

8:23 PM Ok, Brian, let's wrap it up. Your thoughts? Care to hand out a grade?

8:24 PM me: I think that Obama deserves a B+. He's quite articulate, and he's a gifted orator, but really there was nothing ground-breaking there, and what impact do his great speeches really have in a nation that can't read?

8:25 PM If they can't even read a simple newspaper editorial, how will they understand a State of the Union address?

Most haven't even been watching.

Your grade?

5 minutes

8:30 PM Joe: True. I read some excerpts from State of the Union addresses given in the first 100 years of the nation. The prose was phenomenally dense and the aims quite high. Tonight's address clearly doesn't compare. But, it is a vast, vast improvement from the Bush administration speeches. I'm not sure if I ever watched one in its entirety. I'd typically watch a little and then read the transcript the following day. But, I digress. It was an above average speech, somewhere in the B range. Since Obama's administration is more open than the Bush administrations, its a bit harder to keep major legislative initiatives under wraps until the address. I think that accounts for some of the "yesterday's news" feel to the address. But, I'm mostly with you. There wasn't much new here. In fact, I think the most original moment of the night came when Sarah Palin used big words on Fox News. I never knew she had it in her.

8:32 PM me: She's had a lot of things in her that you probably don't know about, Joe.

Joe: Boom.

me: But I digress.

Joe: Alright, well, it's been fun. Perhaps we can do it again next year?

8:33 PM me: Indeed.

Until we meet again.

Who's going to be the next Fighting Irish football coach? Have you considered my left butt cheek?

As the end of another college football season nears, it's time once again to listen to 24-7 speculation about all of the coaching changes that will happen in preparation for next year. Apart from their role in polling each week, which seems to have more impact on a team's post-season prospects than what the team actually does on the field, this is the part of what the media does to college football that I hate the most.

This week, like so many brainless honeybees, the media swarmed in South Bend to see who will replace Charlie Weis. While Weis's departure might be likely, Notre Dame hasn't made any official announcement about it. Maybe, and I know I must be a lunatic for thinking this, but maybe Notre Dame actually cares what happens if they get invited to a bowl. After all, they are bowl eligible at 6 and 6. Maybe they don't want to fire the guy and bring in some interim coach for the last game of the season. Maybe they don't want to spend the millions it's going to cost to buy out the remainder of Weis's contract. But seriously, can't we just wait until the guy actually gets fired before we talk about who's going to replace him?

And then there's the coverage surrounding who will get Steve Kragthorpe's job at Louisville, where there's at least the consolation that Kragthorpe's been ousted officially. On a daily basis, it throws distraction into other teams who actually have post-season prospects to worry about. While they're probably working hard as hell to prepare for the SEC championship game, Florida Defensive Coordinator Charlie Strong and Alabama Offensive Coordinator Jim McElwain will be pummeled with constant questioning from reporters about the Louisville job. And more importantly, those coordinators' players could become distracted. Can't the damn sportswriters wait until the season's over to ask these guys if they're leaving?

But that's not the worst of it. To me, the worst is when the discussion turns to guys like Chris Petersen and Kevin Sumlin. Again, maybe I'm crazy, but I think it's possible that Chris Petersen doesn't want to leave Boise State. He makes over $1 million a year, far in excess of ten times what I earn as an attorney. It's quite possible for him to win 10 games a season there, every single season, until he retires. The people of Boise and his players love him and what he does there. He's fighting the good fight all the time, making a case for the seemingly fundamental proposition that every team in a given sports league should have some chance of winning that league. His team is on national TV as much as any other coach. But oh no, he MUST want to leave for some "better" job like Notre Dame, where he'll get four or five seasons at most to win a national championship before he gets booted out the door unceremoniously just like the two guys before him. And if he does get lucky and win a big one, maybe he can stick around for six or seven seasons. At Boise State, with the kind of dynasty that they have going on, Petersen might have the last job he ever needs. Maybe he doesn't want to move across the country and subject himself and his family to an absolutely brutal spotlight just for more money and a few years of notorious fame. Maybe he'd rather do something that actually matters, and that he'll actually be proud of when he's done.

Let's call it what it is.

In his convincing argument for scrapping the BCS system, Dan Wetzel left out the most compelling reason for doing so: nearly half of the teams playing at the highest level of college football have absolutely no chance of ever playing for the league’s title no matter how good they are or how many games they win.

Everyone knows about Utah and Boise State. Both have completed unbeaten seasons at the highest level of college football recently and had no chance to win the title. Nowhere else in sport can this happen. The Detroit Lions, if they surprise everyone and go undefeated, certainly make the NFL playoffs, and no one would ever say that they didn’t deserve to be there. If the Pirates decided finally to keep a few good players, and they won enough games, they would make the playoffs. No one would say, oh, well, they’re not really good enough to compete for the World Series title; we’ll just give them a consolation game against the Nationals, throw it on national TV, and call it good. Leave the World Series to big-name teams like the Yankees. This sounds absurd and stupid, yes, but it’s the system in college football.

The standard response to this argument is always something like, "You don’t actually believe that on a neutral field, Boise State or Utah would have any shot against Florida or USC, do you?" This question is the whole problem. It’s asking people to speculate on hype, silly rankings, and imaginary match-ups rather than determining a champion based on actual on-the-field performance. And for the record, yes, I do think that Boise State or Utah would have a chance in a game like that. Aren’t both programs undefeated in BCS games? Weren’t Boise State and Utah big underdogs to Oklahoma and Alabama, respectively? Despite that, both teams won. That’s why they play the games. They don’t just say, well, Lee Corso doesn’t think Boise State has a chance against Oklahoma, so we’ll just chalk up the win to the Sooners and not bother to play the game.

The bottom line is that not one of the arguments for the current system makes any sense. Like Wetzel says, the BCS is the clever scheme of a series of money-grubbing assholes who are depriving us fans, and nearly half of all college football teams, of a legit system so that they can line their pockets.

You'd still want a chance, too.

Everyone saw the ridiculous events of Thursday night on the blue carpet, and there’s been a lot of talk about the aftermath. Many sportswriters think that Oregon coach Chip Kelly’s decision to let LeGarrette Blount continue practicing with the team is inappropriate, or even harmful to the team. After all, the argument goes, the guy punched another player on the field of play and went after a fan. He had to be restrained by police. Guys who do things like that, they say, have no place in sports.

But let’s be honest. Football is a violent sport. It involves a defense physically knocking its opponents to the ground against their will over and over again. The hits come hard, and serious injuries are commonplace. Add to that the tremendous pressure involved in college football. Many of these players aren’t the sharpest men at their universities and have no other realistic career prospects. Coaches’ jobs depend on extracting great performance from these players. In short, these guys care tremendously about what happens in the games. The game is literally their lives, and they take it very seriously. Plus, they’re trained to be violent on the field. It’s not easy to be an animal during play and a gentleman as soon as the whistle blows. Humans aren’t wired that way.

So then there’s Blount, after having an awful game. A Boise State player taunts him, and he snaps, punching the Boise State player and going after a fan. It was a mistake, as Blount himself said shortly afterward. That leaves us with a question: should one mistake be enough to ruin Blount’s career? If Chip Kelly had kicked Blount off the team, Blount would be stuck with nowhere to work out in preparation for the NFL combine, with no structure, no gym, no peers going through the same thing, etc. His football career would be over.

To be clear, I’m not saying that anyone should feel sorry for this guy or that what he did was excusable. I’m simply saying that one-and-done isn’t a realistic or a proper way to deal with problems like this. If the guy learns from his mistake and never repeats it, why shouldn’t he be allowed to play at the next level if he’s good enough? Bottom line: If I made a mistake, I’d want a chance to redeem myself; I wouldn’t want to be kicked to the curb and forgotten for two ill-advised minutes out of my 20+ years of life. Chip Kelly made the right choice here. He gave out a severe penalty for a severe disciplinary violation—but he didn’t needlessly ruin a young man’s life.

Take off your mask! Those are the rules!

Before I left Pittsburgh, my bank came up with a number of new security regulations. One of them provides that everyone entering the bank wearing a hat or mask must take off the hat or mask. When I took my Griz Tennis hat off, a bank employee told me that this rule is supposed to create a situation in which the surveillance cameras can see the faces of everyone who comes into the bank. Seriously? So if some dude in a ski mask comes through the door to rob the place, and you say, "Oh, hey, man...you have to take off your mask to come in here," he's just going to be like, "Oh, sorry. Sure, I'll take it off." Isn't this about as asinine as trying to turn Ben Roethlisberger into a pocket passer?

Q & A for reeling Pirates fans

In the wake of the Pirates recent string of trades (pretty much everyone you've ever heard of was voted off the island), Pirates fans are picking at the usual scabs and wounds that accompany nearly two decades of consistent losing. It's now completely safe to say that by the conclusion of the year, the Pirates will set the North American major professional sports record for consecutive losing seasons (17). It's also likely that they'll pad the record next year, when they field a young AAA team at the major league level. If the current set of trades do not pan out, twenty consecutive losing seasons is a virtual guarantee.

In the event you don't follow baseball closely, here's the quick rundown. Last year, the Pirates traded away their two starting corner outfielders, both of whom have All-Star credentials. This year, the Pirates have traded their left-handed bullpen specialist, their best long reliever, their All-Star center fielder, their steadily improving left fielder, two young pitchers who have been successful at the major league level (but are currently in AAA), their first baseman, their All-Star second baseman and their former All-Star shortstop. I've probably missed someone in there. Basically, Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington would trade his mom if you made him a passable offer.

If you're a Pirates fan, you must be brimming with questions. Fortunately, I'm here to help. Let's get to it.

Is there anything Major League Baseball's front office can do to remedy the Bucs' incompetence?

Probably not. But I don't think it would kill them to honor the Pirates record-setting ways with a "beyond baseball" commercial: "17 consecutive losing seasons. This is beyond comprehension. This is beyond baseball."

Is this recent string of trades completely unprecedented?

Surprisingly, no. I once turned over about 80% of the Steelers roster in franchise mode in Madden 2005 in roughly 4 hours. In the real world, though, this is pretty much without precedent.

Can we at least come up with a curse to explain the Pirates' losing ways?

No, dammit. We're not gonna turn into a bunch of self-indulgent whiners who blame a couple bad bounces on some fat dude who died 60 years ago. So help me God, if I hear of a single person using the phrase "Curse of Cabrera" or similar, I will exact vengeance by dropping flaming bags of dog turds down their chimneys. Or another act that is equally mature and righteous.

I'm an angry Pirates fan. What's the one editorial I need to read?

Check out Ron Cook's column here.

Who has the worst job in baseball right now?

Gonna have to go with Pirates manager John Russell. It's like Neal Huntington slapped him on the back and said, "Teach all these emus how to paint a rainbow. Oh, here are your buckets of black and white paint. You'll need 'em."

Do the Pirates have any new promotion ideas to draw people to the ballpark? Since, you know, the team's really gonna blow now.

Not that I know of. But here are a few ideas I came up with (and I only thought about it for five minutes!).

Slumber Company Wednesdays: The Pirates have no power in their lineup anymore. Offer a free beer to every patron 21 or older for each home run the Pirates hit during Wednesday home games. I guarantee the Pirates would make money on this promotion, and that's sad.

Trivia Night: Every Thursday home game, the PIrates should gather all 400 patrons in one section and conduct a typical bar-style trivia night. Winner gets to stuff a Louisville slugger up the butt of a life-size voodoo doll with Cam Bonifay's likeness.

Wet T-shirt contest Tuesdays, Pittsburgh style: Okay, so this needs to be family friendly. Instead of some chubby chick from Crafton Ingram horrifying everyone by showing her pendulous breasts about to split open an innocent white cotton shirt, get a few 350 pound yinzer dudes from Blawnox, squeeze them into cheap undershirts, and hose 'em down. First person to make Pirates President Frank Coonelly vomit gets a case of Iron City Light.

Why should we still follow the team? Why should we still attend games?

Honestly, unless you like the idea of the Nuttings turning a tidy little profit at your expense, I don't think you should go to games. Go to Latrobe for Steelers training camp instead. Don't check the NL Central standings anymore. Do you check the status of your retirement plan every day? Of course not. Because you know it's only going to make you feel worse. So, why would you check the Pirate's box score?

If I've failed to cover any important ground in the preceding, feel free to pose additional queries in the comments section.

Particle board furniture (you know, the good life)

Since I'm living the good life now, I can afford to purchase some of my furniture at Ikea rather than fashioning my furnishings from dead weeds and the broken shards of my social life like during my grad school days. Earlier today, I purchased one of the modest television stand options in the Ikea lineup and began the assembly process.

Ikea does not wish to rule all of metropolis so much as all of the world. And, they wish to do so in frugal fashion. To this end, there are no assembly packets containing written words, thereby obviating the need to customize instructions for different linguistic markets. Rather, they provide assembly manuals with diagrams and some creepy cartoon man warning against errors commonly committed during the assembly of furniture pieces whose names contain a shit-ton of umlauts. I found one of these warnings puzzling. For your viewing pleasure...

At first, I thought they might be warning me against fornicating with my new piece of furniture. Or, judging by the look on fella's face, maybe they meant that if you try to screw your furniture, and you're unable to perform, you'll surely break your tv stand. But, neither of these things seemed terribly likely. (That is, it didn't seem likely that Ikea would warn me against making sweet, sweet love to my television stand. Though for the record, I do think it's likely that having sex with your furniture is a bad idea and on far too many levels to explore in this space.) For a spell, I then thought that they were encouraging me to gently caress my furniture with my hooved hand during assembly.

Finally, after a couple more minutes of staring (seriously, it took this long, and I was completely transfixed by this mental exercise), I realized the intent of the cartoon. Since it's probably too obvious to state (and since I'm secretly hoping that one of you will also struggle with the meaning), I leave the interpretation of the diagram as an exercise for the reader.