State of the Union

6:50 PM me: Are you tuned in already?

5 minutes

6:56 PM Joe: I'm here. Got the old boob tube fired up, a tall glass of water by my side, and I'm ready to hear about cock gobblers in the military and what Obama's gonna do about it.

me: Indeed. About now, I'm wishing that my glass of wine were a bit taller.

6:57 PM It's a nice cab franc. I have to be at least halfway onto the wagon if I'm going to watch anything having to do with American politics for more than a few minutes.

6:59 PM Joe: Probably not a bad plan. Unfortunately, I worked out earlier tonight, so my desire for alcohol is nil. Also, my desire to continue watching this piece of shit ABC sitcom is zero.

7:00 PM me: Pice of shit ABC sitcom? I'm watching CNN, and they're showing everyone walking in, being introduced, etc. Michelle Obama is wearing a purple dress with a rather poofy lower half.

Joe: Dammit. I always miss the good stuff.

me: Not only is it poofy, it's rather shiny too. I'm drawn to it like a pigeon.

7:01 PM Joe: Actually, I'm tempted to watch this on Fox News, just to see if Bill O'Reilly's head finally explodes.

7:02 PM me: The Guardian says that purple is the colour [sic] of Suffragettes.

I bet they won't be dropping that kind of knowledge on Fox News.

7:04 PM Joe: No. Actually, they're currently talking about the "Christmas Day bomber" and all of the "discrepancies" in the information coming from the White House regarding this case and the horror that the bomber was read Miranda rights. Also, you should know that there is strong bipartisan support to pull the funding for prosecution of terror suspects in New York. And, of course, they're talking about Scott Brown's win in Massachusetts, and how Obama will need to address that issue tonight.

7:05 PM Had to switch back to CNN. I felt like I was becoming noticeably dumber by the moment.

7:06 PM me: I don't blame you. The disturbing part to me is that some people actually think it's "news" over there.

7:07 PM Joe: One thing I will give Fox News, though, they have a much better audio feed from the floor. Of course, given all of the audio problems presented by the incessant yelling on their shows.... Oh, Christ, it's Sarah Palin.

7:08 PM me: You betcha.

Joe: She just used three words in the same sentence that have more than three syllables. She's very-much-reading-from-a-tele-prompter-however-so-don't-put-too-much-stock-in-it.

7:11 PM Ladies and gents, Nanci Pelosi. Also, I want to know about Biden's teeth-whitening strategies. They're working.

7:13 PM I think Nanci Pelosi needs some eye drops. Her contacts are clearly bothering her. And now her eyes are bothering me.

7:14 PM me: Personally, I'm entranced by Joe Biden's apparent fascination with the back of Obama's head.

7:15 PM Joe: Maybe he's a brain-eating zombie. He sees that big old presidential melon in front of him and longs to dig into the fleshy... uh... nevermind.

7:16 PM I will say that Joe Biden is at his best when he's nodding. Talking's sometimes a problem, as we all know.

me: That assessment could also be applied to Sarah Palin.

7:17 PM Wow...Biden's teeth really are white, aren't they?

Joe: I thought Sarah Palin was at her best when she was on Runner's World photo shoots.

me: Don't forget the bikini contests.

Joe: You're damn right Biden's teeth are white. He probably needs to get clearance from the FAA before he smiles, lest he blind a pilot at 37,000 feet

me: Or is she at her best when she's shooting wolves from a helicopter?

7:19 PM Joe: God, you forget about all of this stuff so easily. When I think of Palin now, all I can hear is Tina Fey saying, "And, I can see Russia from my house."

7:20 PM Piling on the banks... a pretty safe play right now.

me: We forget about politics because it's all bullshit posturing.

7:21 PM And tax cuts? Who are all of those people? My taxes weren't cut.

7:22 PM Joe: Clearly, Obama does not love you.

He's not like Jebus, you know.

me: Wow...those military guys must REALLY hate Americans being employed when otherwise they'd be jobless.

7:23 PM Alas, he's not. But who is these days?

People have forgotten that sandals were so named for a reason.

7:24 PM Joe: Not to beat a dead horse, but both Fox and Fox News have much better audio feeds than any of the other networks I've tried. It's uncanny.

7:25 PM me: That's because Sarah Palin is sucking Satan's dick right now.

7:26 PM Joe: Wow. That's some inside info. people just can't get on other blogs. You heard it here at Dirty Dergs, folks.

While we're here, how many dongs does Satan have?

me: I bet that guy has had BJs from all manner of beauty queens and small town mayors.

Dongs?

Well, the sky's the limit.

7:27 PM Joe: That's what I'm thinking. Why stop at one if there's no further possible fall from grace?

7:28 PM Do you think your average American knows what capital gains are?

me: Not a chance.

I didn't know what they were until law school.

You have to be wealthy to make money on investments.

7:29 PM So is he saving health care for the very end?

7:30 PM Joe: No, I suspect he's saving "don't ask, don't tell" for the end. And canceling NASA missions for the end. Nobody will still be awake at that point.

7:31 PM me: I can't believe that politicians waste time talking about gay rights. Just give them the damn rights and address real problems.

People who object to gay marriage must have WAY more free time than I do.

7:32 PM I mean, seriously. They're just asking to be treated just like everyone else and people are saying no?

Joe: Real problems? I'll tell you about a real problem, Brian. I'm holed up in Afghanistan, taking heavy fire from some jihad-crazed fools... I've got enough problems on my hands without worrying about Gary the Gay Infantryman trying to have anal sex with me.

7:33 PM Boom.

me: Oh, snap.

7:34 PM Joe Biden IS American politics. Boom.

7:35 PM Joe: On a more serious note, there are far more pressing issues to discuss on a national scale than where people like to stick their privates behind closed doors. Or stick in their privates. Anyhow, you get my point.

Hey, we have a president who says nuke-clear rather than nuke-u-lar. Praise Jebus.

7:37 PM me: I've got something we can export.

Joe: Nice save there after the hissing from the Republican side of the chamber on energy & climate change.

Please, elaborate.

7:39 PM me: I nominate Smokin' to discuss my exporting capabilities.

7:40 PM Joe: Wow. That's a whole blog post by itself. Perhaps a 3 part series.

me: Students excelling in math and science? What is this, communist Russia?

Why push our own students when we can import students from India and China?

7:41 PM Joe: Hey, dude, if you're sitting through a Siberian winter, there ain't much to do beyond solving contour integrals.

And, drink, of course.

7:42 PM me: Maybe we should take the most gifted math and science students in the country each year and ship them up to a special facility on the north slope of the Brooks Range in Alaska.

7:43 PM They could be given vodka AND a statute of Jebus.

Joe: "Last year, I asked Joe Biden to chair a task force on middle class American families. Clearly he took all that money and sunk it into teeth whitening products."

7:44 PM me: It's HILARIOUS that I spend 35% of my take-home income on health insurance.

Everyone in that room can go fuck themselves if they think this is funny.

7:46 PM Joe: Well, I suspect they won't fuck themselves. If they're family values Republicans, they'll probably try to fuck strangers of the same sex at rest stops.

Boom.

me: And in airport bathrooms.

You know, after that whole thing, I had a 3-hour layover in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport.

I went into each men's room in the terminal.

So I've been there, dude.

Joe: Hey, now, that guy was just playing footsies with his stall mate.

7:50 PM Obama rattling off budget numbers and deficits. W? We're looking at you.

7:51 PM me: W is wasted right now.

7:52 PM Joe: He might be choking on a pretzel. He's a pretty versatile guy.

me: Why not both?

7:53 PM Joe: Good point. I do wonder what W preferred during his boozing days. Was he a beer man? A liquor guy? I'm legitimately curious.

me: Even if he sucked as a world leader, he's probably pretty solid as a drinking buddy.

7:54 PM I'm starting to notice audio feed problems on CNN. Maybe I'll switch to Fox News.

7:55 PM Joe: You're gonna love the audio, bro. Love it.

me: Hasn't Satan given Sarah Palin the money shot yet?

7:56 PM Joe: Wow. Lotta threads bouncing around old duder's head, huh? I wonder how many Republicans know the meaning of the term "money shot." How many Democrats? I'm curious.

7:57 PM me: The audio is spectacular on Fox News. WTF?

7:58 PM Joe: I know. It's not even close.

me: I bet John McCain knows the meaning of "money shot."

He has to spend his time doing something.

7:59 PM I'm halfway surprised that Fox News isn't editing what Obama says through some kind of dubbing.

Joe: I would bet that Ruth Bader Ginsburg does not know the meaning of "money shot." God, every time they pan through the Supreme Court justices, I just feel sorry for them.

8:01 PM me: Antonin Scalia is a failure as a human being.

Joe: You, good sir, are taking no prisoners this evening. I like it.

8:02 PM me: Like Ron Jeremy, I shoot to kill.

8:05 PM WOW---those military guys REALLY don't want the troops to come home.

8:08 PM Maybe the money shot from Satan is Joe Biden's teeth whitening secret!

Joe: Are you drunk?

me: Of course not.

8:09 PM Joe: I mean, if you are, that's cool...

me: I don't get drunk. I get even.

8:10 PM Speaking of North Korea, did you know that the currency of Vietnam, another country on the mainland of East Asia, is the dong?

8:11 PM Joe: I wish I had known this fact when I was in middle school. It could have been the foundation of my comic arsenal.

8:12 PM Okay, we're at the hour mark. Seems like Obama's just getting warmed up. This one might go longer than some of Slick Willy's addresses.

8:13 PM me: The Guardian says that this one is supposed to run 70 minutes.

Do you think that Republican leaders will actually meet monthly with Obama?

8:14 PM And if so, do you think that they'll even bother to listen to a word he says or to try to engage with him themselves?

Joe: Yes, and no, respectively.

8:15 PM me: So they'll sit in the room and tweet about the Yankees?

And then brag that they're being bipartisan?

8:16 PM Joe: Perhaps. But, more importantly, is Nancy Pelosi slumping in her chair? And, couldn't they have put a booster seat up there for her... make her look a bit more authoritative?

me: Come on, Joe, that would KILL her hemorrhoids.

8:17 PM Joe: That is an image I did not see coming.

8:18 PM me: I bet Paul Pelosi has "seen it coming."

Joe: Your keyboard is just a bloodbath tonight.

But, again, I like it.

8:19 PM me: It's politics, Joe. I HATE it.

8:20 PM Did you know, incidentally, that Obama is only the second candidate for whom I've voted, for any office, who actually won the election?

The other guy was the guy who wasn't Rick Santorum.

I don't even remember who he was.

8:21 PM Obama was interrupted 86 times for applause?

Joe: Sure, but to be fair, there's much to be said for not being Rick Santorum.

me: Why didn't they mention when he was interrupted for hissing?

8:22 PM Joe: Wow, now Chris Wallace is saying that this speech was strongly influenced by the Scott Brown win. Influenced? Yes. But mildly, I would say.

Okay, it's over to CNN again.

8:23 PM Ok, Brian, let's wrap it up. Your thoughts? Care to hand out a grade?

8:24 PM me: I think that Obama deserves a B+. He's quite articulate, and he's a gifted orator, but really there was nothing ground-breaking there, and what impact do his great speeches really have in a nation that can't read?

8:25 PM If they can't even read a simple newspaper editorial, how will they understand a State of the Union address?

Most haven't even been watching.

Your grade?

5 minutes

8:30 PM Joe: True. I read some excerpts from State of the Union addresses given in the first 100 years of the nation. The prose was phenomenally dense and the aims quite high. Tonight's address clearly doesn't compare. But, it is a vast, vast improvement from the Bush administration speeches. I'm not sure if I ever watched one in its entirety. I'd typically watch a little and then read the transcript the following day. But, I digress. It was an above average speech, somewhere in the B range. Since Obama's administration is more open than the Bush administrations, its a bit harder to keep major legislative initiatives under wraps until the address. I think that accounts for some of the "yesterday's news" feel to the address. But, I'm mostly with you. There wasn't much new here. In fact, I think the most original moment of the night came when Sarah Palin used big words on Fox News. I never knew she had it in her.

8:32 PM me: She's had a lot of things in her that you probably don't know about, Joe.

Joe: Boom.

me: But I digress.

Joe: Alright, well, it's been fun. Perhaps we can do it again next year?

8:33 PM me: Indeed.

Until we meet again.