In the wake of the Pirates recent string of trades (pretty much everyone you've ever heard of was voted off the island), Pirates fans are picking at the usual scabs and wounds that accompany nearly two decades of consistent losing. It's now completely safe to say that by the conclusion of the year, the Pirates will set the North American major professional sports record for consecutive losing seasons (17). It's also likely that they'll pad the record next year, when they field a young AAA team at the major league level. If the current set of trades do not pan out, twenty consecutive losing seasons is a virtual guarantee.
In the event you don't follow baseball closely, here's the quick rundown. Last year, the Pirates traded away their two starting corner outfielders, both of whom have All-Star credentials. This year, the Pirates have traded their left-handed bullpen specialist, their best long reliever, their All-Star center fielder, their steadily improving left fielder, two young pitchers who have been successful at the major league level (but are currently in AAA), their first baseman, their All-Star second baseman and their former All-Star shortstop. I've probably missed someone in there. Basically, Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington would trade his mom if you made him a passable offer.
If you're a Pirates fan, you must be brimming with questions. Fortunately, I'm here to help. Let's get to it.
Is there anything Major League Baseball's front office can do to remedy the Bucs' incompetence?
Probably not. But I don't think it would kill them to honor the Pirates record-setting ways with a "beyond baseball" commercial: "17 consecutive losing seasons. This is beyond comprehension. This is beyond baseball."
Is this recent string of trades completely unprecedented?
Surprisingly, no. I once turned over about 80% of the Steelers roster in franchise mode in Madden 2005 in roughly 4 hours. In the real world, though, this is pretty much without precedent.
Can we at least come up with a curse to explain the Pirates' losing ways?
No, dammit. We're not gonna turn into a bunch of self-indulgent whiners who blame a couple bad bounces on some fat dude who died 60 years ago. So help me God, if I hear of a single person using the phrase "Curse of Cabrera" or similar, I will exact vengeance by dropping flaming bags of dog turds down their chimneys. Or another act that is equally mature and righteous.
I'm an angry Pirates fan. What's the one editorial I need to read?
Check out Ron Cook's column here.
Who has the worst job in baseball right now?
Gonna have to go with Pirates manager John Russell. It's like Neal Huntington slapped him on the back and said, "Teach all these emus how to paint a rainbow. Oh, here are your buckets of black and white paint. You'll need 'em."
Do the Pirates have any new promotion ideas to draw people to the ballpark? Since, you know, the team's really gonna blow now.
Not that I know of. But here are a few ideas I came up with (and I only thought about it for five minutes!).
Slumber Company Wednesdays: The Pirates have no power in their lineup anymore. Offer a free beer to every patron 21 or older for each home run the Pirates hit during Wednesday home games. I guarantee the Pirates would make money on this promotion, and that's sad.
Trivia Night: Every Thursday home game, the PIrates should gather all 400 patrons in one section and conduct a typical bar-style trivia night. Winner gets to stuff a Louisville slugger up the butt of a life-size voodoo doll with Cam Bonifay's likeness.
Wet T-shirt contest Tuesdays, Pittsburgh style: Okay, so this needs to be family friendly. Instead of some chubby chick from Crafton Ingram horrifying everyone by showing her pendulous breasts about to split open an innocent white cotton shirt, get a few 350 pound yinzer dudes from Blawnox, squeeze them into cheap undershirts, and hose 'em down. First person to make Pirates President Frank Coonelly vomit gets a case of Iron City Light.
Why should we still follow the team? Why should we still attend games?
Honestly, unless you like the idea of the Nuttings turning a tidy little profit at your expense, I don't think you should go to games. Go to Latrobe for Steelers training camp instead. Don't check the NL Central standings anymore. Do you check the status of your retirement plan every day? Of course not. Because you know it's only going to make you feel worse. So, why would you check the Pirate's box score?
If I've failed to cover any important ground in the preceding, feel free to pose additional queries in the comments section.
